Gone With The Wind
by ProngsPotter22
Summary: Just like the wind, he was there one minute and gone the next. Dean's point of view of the day his son is born. Companion fic to In My Time of Rising by njchrispatrick. Warning - Course language, M-Preg and implied/referenced child death. Not a happy story.
1. A Tragic Loss

_**Gone with the Wind**_

 **A/N - Hello everyone. I just wanted to remind everyone that this is a companion piece to In My Time Of Rising by njchrispatrick. If you haven't read the story then I suggest you read it either first or straight after this otherwise it won't make much sense. This also contains some adult themes like child death, M-preg and course language. Read at your own risk.**

Part 1: A Tragic Loss

Who would have guessed that both the best and worst day of Dean's life could have started out so ordinary? It was a hot and windy day, which most people were spending indoors or in the pool.

Dean Winchester had woken up in the typical fashion as of late; wake up at about mid-day, lie there for about half an hour before finally dragging himself out of bed when either his stomach or bladder won the fight over his exhaustion. Today, it was hunger that won out. He quickly went to get dressed, stopping to stare yet again at his swollen stomach. No matter how long it had been since he first found out about the pregnancy, it was something he would never be able to get used to.

Dean sighed, resting a hand on his belly, grinning when he felt the baby kick. He was nine months along now. The baby was due any day, something Dean was extremely grateful for. If there was one thing he hated more then monsters, it was pregnancy. The morning sickness, food cravings, backaches, ankle pains, itchy skin, exhaustion and bloating were not very fun. Granted it had all stopped by now but it hadn't been even remotely pleasant at the time. Still he knew it was worth it.

Dean had gone through all the motions that can be expected when falling pregnant under such unusual circumstances. At first it had been denial. He couldn't have possibly been pregnant right? The symptoms? Just some weird case of the flu or maybe it was some freaky monster mojo. However, when the psychic, Missouri, John had taken him to confirm it as the truth, denial turned to anger. He had almost come to the point of begging his father to find a way to terminate the pregnancy. However, the thought hadn't lasted long at all. Anger had been by far the shortest stage. After that it had been acceptance and later excitement.

Dean turned to find a shirt to wear when he spotted an item on his bedside table. It was a teddy bear for the baby. Bobby had gotten it for the kid when he found out about Dean expecting. It was a white furred bear with a blue bowtie. Dean grinned. He was sure the baby was going to love it.

Dean hummed to himself as he slipped a shirt on and shuffled out into the main room of the hotel. His little brother, Sam, was sitting at the table eating lunch. John was nowhere in sight. _Probably hunting_ , Dean thought.

They had arrived in Fort Smith, Arkansas a few days ago. Apparently, John knew a doctor here that was well educated in the supernatural. She had been stunned to say the least when she heard about Dean's baby but had agreed to help them none the less.

John had quickly found a case near by, something about a vengeful spirit? Dean wasn't sure. Normally, he would have jumped at the chance to help John on a job. Now, it was the least of his concerns. Besides, Bobby was staying with them and was helping John with the case anyway.

Dean groaned in relief as he finally collapsed into a chair and pulled over a plate of sausages and chips. He grumbled slightly as Sam tossed some vegetables on the plate as well but otherwise offered no further complaint. He might not be interested in the slightest in rabbit food but shrugged it off. It was for the baby, after all.

…

Sam smirked in amusement as he watched Dean reluctantly devour the salad. It had amazed Sam how much Dean had changed in the past nine months. He had gone from risk taker to a voice of reason in a matter of days. He was eating healthier then Sam had ever seen him before, in other words, he was eating more then just junk food. He hadn't so much as given their father's beers a second glance. Hell, Dean had even stopped complaining about having to wear the wig in public.

Sam had never once believed that Dean would give up the baby, even if Dean believed that he had considered it. Sam knew it was just his emotions talking. He had been upset, confused and afraid; not that the junior hunter would ever admit to fear. Dean wouldn't have given up the child, not ever.

Everything for the last few months had been about the baby. Dean refused to go anywhere near places where people were smoking as it wasn't good for the baby. He wouldn't eat anything that he didn't believe was good for the baby. The baby came first and Sam knew it wouldn't change when he or she was here. Not that he believed he would be much better.

Sam was excited. He was going to be an uncle! It had been one of the greatest moments in his life, the day he found out about his little niece or nephew and the baby would arrive soon. He couldn't wait.

…

An hour after lunch, or breakfast in Dean's case, the wind outside had picked up. Dean sighed as flicked through the channels, trying to find something to watch. He really did hate daytime TV.

John had come back just a few minutes ago while Bobby had popped down to the local library to find a book on local legends. The eldest Winchester was currently cleaning weapons at the table, grumbling about the ghost getting away amongst other things. Dean kept eyeing the weapons, subconsciously shifting so that his baby bump was out of sight. After ten more failed attempts at finding something to watch, Dean finally decided to go lie down.

He heaved himself out of the seat and turned to head to his room when he felt what could only be described as a 'pop' followed by a sensation that made all the colour drain from his face. His hands immediately flew to his stomach as he cried out. "I-I think my water just broke!"

John was up in a second, guns forgotten. Sam came flying out of the room he shared with Dean, eyes wide in delight. "Really? Already? Great, I'm going to be an Uncle soon!"

Dean opened his mouth to reply when a sharp pain sliced through his stomach. He moaned, doubling over and subsequently, nearly face-planted.

John raced over and grabbed Dean before he hit the floor. "Sam, you stay here and tell Bobby what's going on when he gets back. I'm taking Dean to the hospital."

"But…" Sam began.

"No arguments Sam!" John snapped before guiding Dean out the door.

…

The wind had strengthened to a gale-force gust as Dean sat on a bed in a private examination room. He gulped down air as he waited for John's contact to arrive. She had been working with a patient when they reached the hospital. From what Dean had heard, it was another hunter that had had an unfortunate encounter with a demon.

If there was one thing Dean had learnt in the last four hours, it was that contractions were a bitch. Still, he tried to distract himself with thoughts of what the baby would be like, what it would be like to be a dad and what they were going to do next.

Once the initial shock of what the succubus had done to him had warn off, he had been beyond excited for the arrival of the newest Winchester. Granted, this wasn't exactly how he had expected to become a father but it had happened. Not much he could do about it.

Names had been a tricky decision. If it were a girl, he would name her Mary. That hadn't been a difficult decision. However, if the little one was a boy? That was trickier. He still hadn't been able to decide.

Another contraction hit, this one more painful then the last. Dean grit his teeth and stood up, pacing the length of the room.

 _I wonder what they will look like? I hope they look like me. It would be better if they didn't resemble someone who fucked me in a bloody motel room!_ Dean thought as he heard footsteps approaching the room. _Still, if the child did look like the stranger then that was alright._ Dean could hardly hold that against his son/daughter.

The footsteps were getting louder. Dean could hear his father's voice now and a woman's. _Must be the doctor_ he mused as another spasm jolted through his belly, causing him to topple forward. He just managed to grab the bedpost to keep himself up right.

Dean knew that once you were a hunter, there was no going back. To think that you could just walk away from the supernatural was foolish. One way or another, it would catch up with you. Once a hunter, always a hunter. Dean knew this and knew that he couldn't escape this life. Still, he didn't want this for his son or daughter.

Dean was used to the price one payed for this kind of life; broken bones, scars, a shorter life expectancy. Despite all that, someone needed to do the job and it was the right thing to do wasn't it? To save people who couldn't save themselves? Still, this wasn't the type of life that allowed for raising a family. He and Sam? They had been extremely lucky to have not been killed. Most hunters chose to stay single and childless. They didn't want to give themselves a weakness that could be used against them. They didn't want to suffer the unbeatable pain that came with knowing you couldn't save your wife, husband and/or children from a monster; the anguish of discovering you were too late.

If one thing had scared Dean in the last nine months, it hadn't been the pregnancy or this moment right now. It had been the idea of something going wrong. Dean wouldn't admit it out loud but he couldn't even count the amount of times he had had nightmares of monster from his past returning and taking its revenge on him through his child. The most frequent of these dreams consisted of himself running into a nursery, so similar to Sammy's back in their old house, to see the yellow-eyed demon standing over a baby crib. Dean would run into the room, gun in hand, just to see the crib burst into flames. Dean was fairly certain that horrifying sound of the babies screams suddenly cutting off would be something he would never be able to forget as long as he lived.

Dean wasn't sure what he was going to do now that he was going to be a father. One thing was for sure though; he wouldn't allow any of those dreams to come true. Not as long as he was still breathing.

The footsteps had finally reached the door. Dean looked up as a fairly young woman, probably in her mid-thirties, stepped inside. She had honey-blonde hair and gentle sapphire eyes. "Hello Dean, I'm DR. Heatherley. I must say, your…..case is a rather unusual one but I want you to know that your going to be just fine. Everything has been prepared to ensure that you and the baby will be at as little risk as possible. Now, I will need you to lie down so I can check you over before we get started. Unfortunately we are going to have to go with a C-section birth, as we don't have any other options with you. Can you tell me how far apart the contractions have been?"

Dean did as he was asked, crawling onto the bed and answering the doctor's questions. However, his mind was far from the conversation. He smiled softly as he rested a hand once again on his stomach. It was a habit he had developed since he first found out he was pregnant, even before he had been able to accept it. He supposed it was some kind of paternal instinct; a reassurance that the baby was all right. He couldn't count the amount of times he had fallen asleep, one or both hands on his belly, only to wake up later in a near panic when he didn't feel the baby kick in a while. Bobby was usually the one to walk in when that happened and calm him down, reminding the half-asleep teen that the baby was fine and probably just sleeping too.

Dean grinned again, despite another painful contraction, when the baby gave another vicious little kick, almost as if to say he or she wanted to get out already. _I wonder what they will be like? Will they act like me? Or maybe Sam? Maybe they will have a completely different attitude. I hope they like rock music or cars. I can't wait to teach them to drive the Impala!_ He was determined to ensure they had as normal a life as possible. He would teach them all the things parents taught their kids to do; ride a bike, play baseball. Maybe they would even go to the beach. _I promise you'll never be afraid or harmed. I promise_ Dean thought as DR. Heatherley wheeled in some equipment. Dean couldn't help but feel that the sight of the sharp instruments was slightly daunting. He didn't particularly want to imagine someone using one of those sharp scalpels to cut open his stomach where his little son or daughter lay.

Dean groaned. If Sam could hear him fretting right now he would never live it down. _Stupid pregnancy hormones_ he snarled mentally.

"Okay, I think it's about time. Normally we would wait a little longer but I don't want to risk the baby trying to make its own way out. I'll leave you both for a minute while I get things ready to start." Heatherley stated in a professional tone before she crossed the room to sterilise her hands for the procedure.

John stepped forward, looking very uncomfortable about the whole thing. Dean narrowed his eyes ever so slightly. He loved his father. He really did but they had grown apart slightly, ever since Dean had wondered back to the hotel after the night that lead to them being where they were now. Dean could easily see that John wasn't happy with the baby at all and would have probably been happier to terminate it. Dean unknowingly moved his other hand to rest on his stomach.

The teen metaphorically shook the dark thoughts away. His baby was fine. They were human. Missouri had said that the child didn't have any demon powers. There was nothing to worry about.

John grunted, dropping down into a chair beside the bed. "Here, Sam thought you might want this. He ran out to the car just before we left. You'd already fallen asleep at that point." The older hunter stated, handing over the plush bear. Dean blinked in surprise. He couldn't believe he had forgotten it.

"Look, I guess I don't say this nearly as often as I should but I…..you know I do love you right? You and Sammy?" John began, staring imploringly at his eldest son.

Dean gaped, shocked by the turn of events. "Yeah Dad, I know. What's this all about anyway? You're acting as if I'm going to die or something. I'm fine." Dean replied, one of his signature cheeky grins sliding into place.

John nodded. "I know. I just wanted you to know that I am proud of you. Heaven knows, I wouldn't have been able to handle this situation nearly as well as you have if at all. I….Dean, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. I've only had your best interests at heart here."

Dean nodded, a sad smile on his lips. ""Yeah, I figured. Thanks Dad but I'm alright. Really."

John smiled wistfully in reply. "I know you are."

Before another word could be spoken, Dean yelped when an exceptionally harsh spasm shook his body. DR. Heatherley strolled over and spoke briskly to John. "I'm afraid we are going to need to start the C-section now. We cannot afford to wait any longer. I will need you to wait outside in the reception room. I promise I will come get you once your grandchild has arrived."

John nodded, mouth twitching ever so slightly at the baby being called his 'grandchild'. He gave Dean one last reassuring smile before stepping outside.

DR. Heatherley gave the now slightly anxious teen a soothing grin. "Dean, I'm going to need to sedate you for the procedure unfortunately. Normally it isn't required for childbirth but as our circumstances are rather unusual, it would be safer for you to be unconscious. Is that alright?"

Dean hesitated, he wasn't sure he liked the idea but then again, maybe it was better. It had to beat watching them cut into his swollen stomach, right?

"Okay."

DR. Heatherley grinned lightly before quickly setting up an IV. Dean didn't even twitch as the needled pricked his arm. Dean gently rubbed his belly in a calming manner when he felt the baby moving inside. _Shhhh, its okay. You'll be out soon_ he cooed mentally as the world steadily turned black.

…

Dean whimpered slightly as he came too. _Urgh, where the hell am I?_ he thought groggily. He moved to roll over onto his side and bury his face into the pillow but stopped when pain burst from his mid-section at the action. His eyes snapped open with a shout as he stilled.

Instantly, his hands shot down to his belly faster then he would have thought possible. He was stunned when he realised that the now all-to-familiar baby bump was gone and his stomach was now relatively flat once more, except for the bandage that was wrapped securely round his middle. He began to panic until his memorise finally managed to break through the drug-induced haze his mind had descended into.

He relaxed when he recalled where he was. Slowly, he sat up and looked around the room. _Where is everyone? Where's my baby?_

As if she had heard his questions, DR. Heatherley walked in, followed closely by John. Dean beamed when he saw them, expecting to see a tiny baby cradled safely in one of their pair of arms. He didn't see their saddened, regretful expressions.

"Where is the baby? What gender; male or female? What do they look like? Are they okay?" Dean began, rattling off question after question.

John quickly cut him off. "Dean, Dean! Listen, we have some….we have some bad news."

Dean froze; dread flooding his veins like ice water. "W-What do you mean? What's wrong? Where is my baby?"

DR. Heatherley stepped forward. "I'm so very sorry Mr Winchester. We tried everything we could but…he didn't make it."

Dean blinked. _He? He? A boy. My son! I have a son! A little baby boy!_ However, his delight was very short lived when the rest of the sentence caught up with him. Dean's expression turned blank. "What are you talking about? What do you mean he didn't make it? Where's my son?" He growled.

DR. Heatherley continued quietly in a placating manner. "I'm so sorry Dean. He wasn't breathing when we finally got him out. We immediately tried everything we could to save him but he just wasn't responding. He didn't make it Dean. He's gone."

Dean stared at them both for a full minute, not comprehending what they were trying to tell him. _It wasn't possible. He's not gone. He can't be! Not yet! I haven't even seen him yet! They're lying! Where's my son? Where…?_

Finally, the reality set in. Dean blinked; an anguished moan worked its way out of his throat. "No. No. It's not true. Oh God, please tell me its not true!"

DR. Heatherley placed a hand on John's shoulder. She whispered something inaudible to all but John before speaking out loud. "I'll leave you two alone for the moment.". She crossed the room but stopping in the doorway and speaking again to John. "If you need me to sedate him at any point let me know. We often have to do that to stop grieving parents from harming themselves or someone else in their grief."

John nodded solemnly before sitting back down in the same chair he had sat in before. Dean didn't appear to have noticed, he was currently staring off into space, the same words spilling out of his mouth. "No. No. Please, it's a mistake. He's fine. He's safe. He has to be."

"Dean," John began, gently resting a hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I wish things had been different. I really do."

Dean just shook his head, tears flowing from his eyes now. He hadn't cried for twelve years. Not since he was four years old. After the night he lost his mother, he had told himself that he didn't have the luxury of showing such weakness. No chick-flick moments. He was Sam's older brother. He needed to be strong for Sam.

Now, however, he couldn't have cared less that he was a sixteen year old teen bawling like a three year old. He didn't care anymore about acting the tough older brother. He didn't have the strength for that anymore. Fuck being the strongest. Right then, he would give anything to be that four-year-old again, being cuddled and comforted by his mother after a nightmare. _Oh Lord, why can't this just be a horrific nightmare?_

Dean turned to John, emerald eyes glistening with tears. "Why? How? Why did this happen to me? He was supposed to be okay. I was supposed to take him home and have to put Sammy in a headlock just to get to hold him. He was supposed to grow up and get a girlfriend, a job and be happy. Instead he's….he's…" Dean couldn't continue nor could he bring himself to say it allowed. He couldn't say that his son was dead. Finally he composed himself just enough to whisper one more thing. "He was supposed to live."

John didn't say anything. Nothing he could say would have done anything anyway. Instead he did something he rarely ever did; he pulled his son into a hug, rubbing soothing circles on his back and whispering words of comfort.

Dean was slightly startled but brushed it off, instead he just buried his face into his father's chest and cried for the loss of his son's life; a life taken far to soon.

…

Later that night, while the hospital was relatively silent, Dean sat awake listening to the howling wind outside. His father had left a few hours ago since visiting hours where over. He had needed to go home and tell Sam and Bobby the terrible news. They would be coming tomorrow to visit and hopefully Dean would be allowed to go home with them that afternoon.

Dean didn't care. He really didn't. The last thing he wanted was to see their pitying stares and here their supposedly comforting words. Or, worst of all, hear Sam's cries of grief for the nephew he hadn't had the chance to meet. Dean didn't think he could handle that. Not yet.

He hadn't seen his son. John told him that they had already taken the body away. Dean had wanted to argue; to kick and scream at his father for making that choice for him. John had just said that it would have been too painful for him. In a way, Dean could agree. He didn't know if he could handle seeing the boy that he already loved so much dead and lifeless; an empty shell. It would break him, he knew it.

He choked on a sob as his hand dropped down to his stomach, feeling the scar from the C-section. He had been told that he would always carry the scar. There had been an error with the stitches, which meant it would never heal. Normally Dean wouldn't have cared. He had many scars and was certain there would be many more to come. Hell, this scar would have probably ended up being a happy remaindered of the best day of his life, the day his son was born. Now? It would be a constant reminder of his deceased little boy.

Dean closed his eyes as the wind outside intensified outside into an eerie howl. It seemed fitting really, the wind. It was just like his son. It was there, all around you but the moment you reached for it, it slipped right through your hands. Just like the youngest Winchester, he had been there and then just like that he was gone.


	2. Mistakes and Regrets

_**Gone With The Wind**_

Part 2: Mistakes and Regrets

John Winchester was many things; a father, a hunter, a former Marine and a widower just to name a few. However, one thing he had swarm since the moment he saw his wife burning on the ceiling of his son's nursery was that he would never become a monster.

Watching his adult son lying in the hospital bed, inches away from death, he found himself once again thinking that he had failed to keep that promise.

John knew he wasn't perfect, far from it. He had made some truly terrible mistakes in the past; mistakes that lost lives, mistakes that cost his sons' their childhood, mistakes that had destroyed friendships. However, there was one mistake that he knew he could never forgive himself for.

The day Missouri had told him Dean was pregnant had probably been the single worst day of his life. So many questions had been running amuck in his mind. Was the child human? How could this happen? Will Dean be okay?

 _What should I do Mary?_

John had known immediately what had to be done. Or at least what he believed needed to be done. The child was more then likely inhuman. It had to be aborted.

However, that was far easier said then done. John didn't have any clue how to do it nor who would be able to terminate the pregnancy that knew about the supernatural.

Then had come the question of would Dean even want that? He had shaken off the concern at the time almost immediately. Of course Dean would. The child was likely a monster. How could they knowingly bring yet another creature into this world? Another monster that would undoubtedly cause more innocent deaths. A monster that could easily turn on the at a moments notice. No, Dean wouldn't argue and even if he did, well, he would just have to put his foot down on the matter.

In any case Dean hadn't exactly been jumping off the walls in excitement at the news. He had spent a good hour or so arguing with Missouri over it until finally he ran out of arguments. Then he had spent another two hours pouting over it. Yes, John had been sure talking Dean into getting rid of the…baby was not going to be a problem. They would find someone to terminate it; he had to have some contact somewhere who could do it, and then everything would go back to normal. This would just be another incident that they wouldn't talk about.

However, even then he had had a lingering feeling that something just wasn't right.

…

John sighed as he watched Dean and Sam argue over baby names. The baby had been all they would talk about for the past few months. What should I name it? Do you thinks it's a boy or girl? Do you think they'll look like me? Baby this, baby that. It was starting to drive John up the wall. Even Bobby, the ever-cautious old hunter, was starting to get caught up in the excitement. It was starting to seem like everyone except John had conveniently forgotten the circumstances in which that baby had came to be. Everyone was forgetting the danger.

It had been three months since they had talked to Missouri. Four months that Dean had been pregnant. John had wanted to terminate the pregnancy long ago and was still adamant that they should get rid of it. However, much to his shock and anger, Dean was insistent that he was keeping the baby. John wasn't sure when or how the change of heart had come in. Hell, maybe Dean had never wanted to give up the baby at all. They were all too shocked to hold a proper discussion about it in the week after visiting Missouri and after that John had only talked about it with Bobby for the following three weeks. By the time he had decided to tell Dean the plan the teen had furiously snapped at him that there was no way in hell that they were killing the baby.

John had been more then a little taken aback by the passionate outburst. Enough so that he hadn't been able to formulate a reply until Dean was already asleep in his room.

The following two weeks had consisted of arguing the fate of the child, something John had been sure he would win, and yet in the end Dean had won. For the moment. It hadn't helped in the slightest that Sam was backing Dean one hundred precent either. The kid was one hell of a debater that was for sure.

Once it was apparent that the child would be sticking around for now the mood had instantly become lighter. They had stayed with Bobby who, under Dean's insistence, made then a healthy dinner each night. Sam had gone and found any book he could on babies and pregnancy, asking question after question on the topic to whoever would listen. Despite all the effort everyone was putting in to make sure Dean and the baby were comfortable and well looked after there were some obvious things being left out of discussions.

They still had no clue what was going to happen once the baby was due and they had also yet to plan for how they were going to handle it afterwards. The hunters life was no place for an infant and if John completely chose to disregard the fact that Sam had only been just over seven months old when he started hunting then he wasn't about to admit it. The fact was that a newborn baby was the last thing they needed right now. Not to mention that this would make then easy targets in the eyes of supernatural community, particularly demons.

Dean would also be out of action for the next few months leaving no one to watch out for Sam if Bobby wasn't around. That could also be troublesome. And then there was the matter of the baby itself and Dean's overall wellbeing. Would Dean survive the birth? How would it even be done? Would a C-section actually work? And what would happen if the baby actually were a monster? How would Dean handle that? He was already certain that Dean had fallen dangerously hard for the idea of being a parent. Would he be able to cope if the child had to be killed? What if it was actually human and something got it? Which would even be worse?

John knew it was going to be hard on Dean but ultimately he had to do the right thing by his eldest, even if his son didn't see it that way right now.

John groaned, feeling a headache coming on. He muttered grumpily as he waited for the their food to be ready. It was the first time since the baby had been announced that they had eaten at a diner. Dean had been resolute that he would only eat 'baby-safe foods' even if he did miss the diner food. John had finally convinced him to eat out for once since Bobby was away on business.

Glancing back at the table to see if his sons were okay he almost grimaced at the sight. Sam was leaning over the table whispering to Dean, no doubt about the baby, while Dean was listening avidly. It wasn't this that made him squirm in discomfort but more rather what Dean was wearing. Now that Dean had a more then noticeable baby bump he had had no choice but to wear a disguise to hide the fact that he was indeed a pregnant male. He was wearing jeans and a somewhat lose top with sneakers. The clothing itself was male clothes but not so enough that it would look completely out of place on a woman. He was also wearing a wig that half hid his face with hair, making it harder for anyone to get a proper look at him. Ultimately it wasn't the best disguise in the world and wouldn't hold up for too long in public but it served its purpose. That didn't mean that John had to feel comfortable with the whole thing.

A woman standing a few feet away kept shooting glances between Dean and John, making the oldest Winchester feel slightly uneasy. Had she figured out that something was amiss? Before he could do much however she moved.

The lady approached him, eyeing Dean with scrutinising eyes. "That's your daughter, yes?"

"Yeah" John replied shortly, mouth twitching at Dean being referred to as his daughter.

If the lady was offended in any way by the less then welcome reply she didn't show it. "She's pretty young to be pregnant."

John shrugged tightly. "Yes well….teens will be teens. It was an accident. One we won't be making again."

The woman turned to him, eyes narrowing slightly. "The fate of that child is not yours to make you know."

John blinked, startled and more then a little angered by her comment. Who was she to question him? Dean was his son and a minor no less. How did she even know he had been thinking that in the first place either? "What are you talking about?"

The lady's eye narrowed further, reminding John of an angry cat. "You, mister, are not the babies mother. I was forced to abort my child when I was a teen by my parents. It ruined me. There is no stronger bond on this planet then that of the one between a mother and her child. It's not your choice to make. Don't ruin her life by your choice. I will tell you this much; if you make her give up that child, she will never forgive you."

Before John could even reply the woman had walked to the door of the diner, casting one last reproachful glance over her shoulder before disappearing into the night.

John scowled, momentarily fuming at being told how to deal with the situation by a complete stranger. However, the feeling quickly died when her words caught up with him. _There is no stronger bond on this planet then that of the one between a mother and her child. Don't ruin her life by your choice. If you make her give up that child, she will never forgive you._ John closed his eyes in frustration. How was it that a decision he had been so certain on for three months now could be so quickly brought into doubt by a five-minute conversation? For the first time since he was given the news he was unsure of what the right thing to do was.

Numbly accepting the tray with their dinner, John turned back towards the table feeling more lost then ever before.

 _What do I do Mary?_

…

John muttered in frustration as he tried to clean one of his guns after a rather messy hunt. However, his mind just wasn't on the task. As it has been for the past eight months, it was on Dean. The baby would be due soon, sometime within the next month.

John honestly didn't know what to do. Dean was having that baby; that much was clear. However, they just couldn't keep it. He had been debating the topic for the last few months, ever since the run in with that lady at the diner. In the end though he always came to the same conclusion. The baby had to go. Dean was too young, it was far too dangerous and John was already sure this would only end in heartbreak.

He had found an ex-hunter working down at the Fort Smith General Hospital in Arkansas. Her name was DR. Joanna Heatherley. He had called her about a month back after finally finding her name written in his journal on a folded piece of notebook paper. He wasn't sure when exactly he had met the woman but apparently she remembered him and was happy to help.

They were in Fort Smith now. He had quickly found a case to keep himself occupied and was now moving onto another one just outside of Fort Smith. It was starting to look like a simple salt and burn. In a way, he hoped it wouldn't be so simple. He needed the distraction of a good case right now.

It was just gone midnight now and everyone else were asleep. John supposed he should probably call it a night himself but his brain just wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a good nights rest.

About two weeks ago he had finally come to the decision as to what he was going to do about the child. Dean wouldn't give him or her up, no way. Aborting it now wasn't going to happen and Dean would never give them up for adoption so John had decided on a much more drastic measure. When Dean had the baby he would take the child away while Dean was out and just tell Dean they hadn't made it. It was harsh yes but what other option did he have? It was for the best in the long run and if Dean never saw the baby perhaps it wouldn't be so bad, right?

Even he knew that was far from the case but he had to tell himself that Dean would get over it. Eventually….

John sighed before finally deciding to try and get some rest. No sooner had he stood a terrified cry tore through the silence of the hotel room. Grabbing a gun faster then lightning John raced into Dean's room, ready to shoot at the first sign of danger. However, a quick scan of the room showed that it was empty except for Dean, thrashing around in his bed as he was caught in the cruel grip of a nightmare.

John frowned, something he realised he had been doing a lot of lately, and slowly moved towards the bed. Dean was panting frantically, struggling against an invisible enemy with the occasional whimper or cry slipping out. John reached over and gently tried to shake Dean awake. "Hey Dean. Dean, wake up buddy. Come on, its just a nightmare. Dean, Dean!"

Shouting on the last word finally woke Dean up. The teen lurched forward, nearly head-butting John in the process, while wrapping his arms frantically around his stomach. If that hadn't stunned him then the racking sobs that came afterwards certainly did.

John didn't even think before he wrapped his arms around his son and pulled him close, whispering quietly that it was okay. In that moment he wasn't a world-weary hunter with a pregnant teenage son. Instead he was back in Lawrence, Kansas comforting a four-year-old Dean after a bad dream of a monster in his closet. Instincts that he thought were long since dead and buried came rushing back. "Your okay Dean. It was just a dream."

Dean's sobs finally subsided just enough that John could finally make out some words. "I-It w-was him….the Y-Yellow-Eyed D-Demon….H-He k-k-kill-killed the b-baby! I t-tried to s-stop h-him!" Dean stammered before collapsing in a fresh wave of tears.

John was completely floored. Dean had dreamed the Yellow-Eyed Demon had killed his kid? What did you say to that? Suddenly that paternal instinct was completely gone again. _Mary, if you were here you would know exactly what to do. Please, what am I supposed to do? I can't do this alone!_

John sighed as he did the only thing he could think of. He tightened his arms around Dean and just held him as the tears continued to flow.

…

John paced up and down the waiting room for what felt like the hundredth time in an hour. Today was the day. DR. Heatherley was with Dean now. The baby was on the way. Today was the day he would have to do what was arguably the worst thing he has ever done.

Missouri had stopped by just last week to see Dean. She had been positive that the child was human and had no demonic or evil powers. That didn't stop John from worrying. It just confirmed that Dean would never give the child away willingly. Not when there was nothing wrong with the baby. He couldn't allow that though. It just meant that he would have to go ahead with his plan. He knew Dean would be devastated. He just had to hope that with their help, mostly Sam's, Dean would be able to get over it quickly and move on.

Bobby had called ten minutes ago to ask how Dean was. John had just told him that Dean was still in surgery and there was no news yet. John wished the doctor would hurry up. He was getting the strangest feeling of déjà vu. It was like those times he had waited for news on Mary while she was having Dean and Sam; the same feelings of hopeless frustration while he could do nothing but wait for someone to tell him if things were okay.

Finally, as if Joanna had heard his thoughts, a door clicked open down the hall and a feeble cry filled the air.

John froze as the doctor strolled around the corner, a tiny bundle of baby blue blankets cradled in her arms and a bright smile shining on her tired face.

"Congratulations Mr Winchester, you have a happy, healthy little grandson." She announced over the babies cries.

Before John knew what was happening she had pressed the delicate bundle into his arms with the type of gentleness that only a parent could have and continued speaking. "Dean's doing just fine. It was a little touch and go for a while but everything worked out okay. He'll be out for a few hours, two at the very least, and there was a slight complication with the stitches. He'll have a scar after this but its nothing to worry about. As for this little guy he's perfectly healthy at a weight of 7.1 pounds and 20 inches in length. I'm just going to go and fill in the paperwork. I'll leave him with you if that's okay?" She didn't wait for a response. "Great! I'll just be over at the desk if you need anything. Oh, and once again congratulations!"

With that being said Joanna turned and practically skipped to the desk. John couldn't help be marvel at the fact that this woman was once a hunter. He shook of the thought before finally turning to the now sniffling baby in his arms.

Looking down he almost forgot to breath at the sight of the tiny little boy. His hair was a tuft of slightly messy black strands. It sort of reminded him of his own hair in a way although the style already seemed off. Perhaps his hair came from the other parent then? His skin was very pale, more so then anyone in the family's was. However, it was the eyes that nearly broke his resolve to give the child away. They were the spitting image of Dean's, of Mary's; a bright emerald green that seemed to be able to see into his very soul. All together he was an adorable little guy. John was sure Dean would absolutely crumble if he saw him, Sam too probably.

However, he just couldn't allow that to happen. He was about to go talk to Joanna about what needed to be done when a slight gurgle from his grandson drew his attention back to his arms. The youngest Winchester was staring up at him with big doe-eyes and a bright grin on his face. John couldn't believe it. His grandson was smiling at him! The first person that this little being was smiling at was him!

The slight grin that had worked its way subconsciously onto his face fell almost immodestly. This wasn't right. It should be Dean holding the tiny little bundle, not John. It should be Dean the little boy was smiling at, not him. He grumbled as he shook his head. _Get a grip on yourself damn it!_ He couldn't afford to lose his resolve now. _This is the right thing to do._

While he stood there explaining the situation to a less then impressed doctor he couldn't prevent the doubts from seeping in but he tried to ignore it the best that he could. This was the best way to protect his family. Glancing down at the now crying baby as he walked out the hospital doors he told himself over and over again that he was right. _This is the best way to protect my family, my whole family._

…

Dean had been allowed to go home the next morning, with a strict requirement of bed rest and no strenuous activities of course. John had been honestly very concerned with Dean's despondent behaviour but had brushed it of as normal grieving and left it at that. Sam and Bobby would be better at talking to Dean anyway and if it were guilt that was really stopping him from talking to Dean then he wouldn't admit it.

After a couple weeks of Dean not saying more then three words at a time and barely eating Dean had finally started to come around. He was talking again and choosing to eat without having to be practically force fed by Sam. For a while things seemed liked they would be okay.

John would be a fool though if he thought even for a second that things were completely back to the way they once were. Sam was throwing himself into his schoolwork more then ever before. He was even staying behind at school more and more often for extra curricular activities and when he was with them he seemed more solemn then ever; more like a grown up then any twelve, nearly thirteen year old should.

Dean hadn't bothered with going back to school after everything. He had focused solely on learning how to be the best hunter he could be. In fact, he seemed more determined then ever before to hunt down and kill any evil creature that dared show itself. John wouldn't have had a problem with this if it weren't for the fact that Dean was almost dangerously reckless with some cases, more concerned with stopping the monster then his own safety. John had tried to brush it off at first but as weeks turned to months with still no change he couldn't ignore the issue any longer. He had pulled Dean aside one night and asked him about it; well, more like demanded that he stop acting so bloody irresponsible. He should have realised that something was really wrong when Dean's only response was a simple "Okay" instead of some cocky, sarcastic reply but he hadn't.

He knew it had taken him far longer then it should have to see the dead look in Dean's once glowing, mischievous eyes. He should have seen that Dean was heading down a much more dangerous path then he had initially thought but he didn't and he knew why. The fact of the matter was that he just didn't know his sons' as well as he should have. It was a problem that would cost him greatly in the months to come.

Dean continued to focus far too much on hunting and was definitely drinking much more then he should have but John had continued to ignore it. Who was he to judge Dean on his obsession with hunting and drinking when he was just as guilty of these things as Dean? It wasn't exactly what you would call a red flag for a hunter. He pushed it aside until finally something happened that he just couldn't turn a blind eye to. 'The Incident' was what they called it if it had to be brought up at all. John had never thought Dean would try something like that. John was a tough man and didn't scare easy, however, that day had terrified him more then anything. He refused to think on the incident at all however it would always haunt his dreams along with Mary's burning body and a lost baby screaming in the dark. That had been rock bottom for Dean and much to John's dismay; things stayed much the same, at an all time low, for a few more months.

Finally John decided to do something he never thought he would. He took a break from hunting with Dean. They travelled for a bit to all the places they had never had a chance to go. They went to the beaches, national parks, the Grand Canyon and even Disneyland. Anywhere John could think of to try and break Dean out of his depression. Finally after almost three years Dean seemed to truly be getting better.

He was really smiling and laughing again, telling his usual jokes and even flirting with some pretty girls that they would meet on cases. John wasn't stupid. He could still see the darkness behind Dean's cheeky grins and laughing eyes. He hadn't failed to notice the sometimes-distant stares and quite sobs in the middle of the night. However, Dean was getting better and that was all John could ask for.

…

John glared furiously down the hospital hallway at the demon that had caused his family so much grief and pain over the years. He knew he was making the right choice though. Dean needed to survive. That was all that mattered. Sam needed Dean more then his youngest even realised. _He's not the only one who needs Dean._

John had known when he told Dean what really happened all those years ago that he would be furious but even he couldn't have been prepared for the look of pure hatred his son had given him. Still, John may have many regrets in his life but telling Dean about his son's true fate was not one of them. If he was going to die today he knew he couldn't have taken that secret to the grave with him. He could only hope that one day Dean may be able to forgive him for his foolish decision.

Azazel smirked at the hunter with a knowing grin as if he could read John's thoughts like a book. Who knows, maybe he very well could. "Any last words Johnny-boy?"

John shook his head. He had said all that there was to say. Sam, despite all of there conflicts, was a great kid and a better person then he could ever hope to be. Perhaps that was why they clashed so much? John sincerely hoped that his warning to Dean about Sam would never have to come true. No mattered how many times they fought he would always love Sammy and he prayed Sam would make the right choice.

Dean, even though he hated John now, knew the truth about his child. John hoped he would be able to find his son and get the chance to know him.

As for his grandson? John hoped the kid was okay and he hadn't caused yet another member of his family to suffer thanks to his choices.

John felt no fear at the realisation that he was actually about to die, that he was about to go to hell. In a way he had always figured he would be more likely to end up there then anywhere else. He was far from a saint after all. No, he only felt an odd sense of calm. He may have many regrets in his life but his family wasn't one of them and deep down he knew they would be okay in the end.

The last thing he heard as he drew his final breath was a sinister chuckle from the demon he despised so much.

"Goodbye John Winchester. I promise I'll keep a close eye on Sammy for you. Harry too. Your grandson's going to change the whole game Johnny-boy. You just wait and see"


End file.
